The Z42 War-Prolouge

Here's the comment I promised you before! It's pretty critical, so don't take it too badly. I thought I could help, so...

I'd looked over some of the comments this had gotten when I first saw this, weeks ago, and then again today before I read, and based on those comments, I expected to be wowed and confused. Well, I wasn't wowed- this kind of story... just isn't my cup of tea honestly- but I wasn't the least bit confused either. It probably helps though that I played enough video games to know what a mech is.
This leads me to skip what I was going to say before because now I know a way to say it that's more useful and makes more sense! You see, I'm thinking that if I didn't know what a "mech" was, I'd be lost, because you are absolutely counting on your reader knowing what a mech is, it seems. I read below that you deliberately left out details of the war and what was going on so you can reveal all that later, but...
Well, I realized that even though I know what a "mech" is, I realized I have no idea what this mech looks like, and that's a big problem. It's okay that the reader doesn't know what Buzzards and things are, and the Z42 war and all that, but you can't leave the mech out. Readers have to at least know what that is, and they shouldn't have to read an explanation in the description or in a reply to get it.

There's one way you could have gotten away with not describing the mech, and that's with a custom-made, very specific preview image depicting the mech and the flyers. Which you don't have. And you'd need it to be one of those literature preview images that goes at the top of the story... but this story is in an odd format... Not straight text like every other story I've seen in your Gallery and everywhere. I've never seen one like this. It might just be me, but the formatting of this story as PDF makes it harder to read because I have to zoom out for it to fit, or Download it and open it in Adobe... 

Since there's no picture of the mech, you'd need to describe it to us, which you don't. Thinking about it, and reading one of the comments you got before, that's where everything that bugs me about this story comes from. You tell us too many things, but don't show us anything. Please don't take this as an insult or anything, but the way you tell us so many things... to me it makes it seem... elementary, and with too many big sci-fi things all pushed in. It feels more like this story should just be a video game than be literature. Especially since this seems to be about leaving us to wonder things, you should have told us less things, but SHOWN US much more.

Like, for example. You tell us "The Warrior" is dying.
It would have been way cooler and more effective if you had described what the mech was built like first, so we can visualize how imagine how eh could be hurt through it. I mean, if this mech can destroy an entire civilization, why does it only have one man inside, and why is it threatened by one air force? Do did give an explanation for that where you said one would be no threat, but a bunch of them were dangerous, but... that's kinda weak... especially when we have no visuals. No pictures in our minds of anything but the cloud. You wouldn't want to describe what the mech looked like in a matter-of-fact way though. Not something like it was this tall and had wheels here and arms and legs or something like that though, because that's not appropriate for an action scene. Something more like The Warrior grimaces as missiles from the Buzzard hit the mech in it's [descriptive word descriptive word descriptive word] arm. He looked at his viewfinder or out of his cockpit or whatever, and saw stuff flying around everywhere, and shifted the [adjective] body of the mech, trying to avoid/compensate for the explosions and boulders at his [another word for mech]'s  [descriptive word descriptive word descriptive word] feet, as the [descriptive jargon] of the wheels was getting damaged, that would have been way better, and give us an idea what the mech looks like. If you'd described what the mech looked like, then we would understand how a man inside it could be hurt. Then you could describe the impact that mortally wounded him. You could have gone on to describe the moments after, where he thought he could keep fighting, but began to suspect he was screwed.

And maybe (I don't know what kind of sentience or personality this "mech" could have had) but if it had any, or seemed to have any, you could have better described it's "feelings", and given us a better hint at what was to come in the future than an explicit statement would have.

I hope it doesn't feel like I just rained hate all over your story. It's just that I really felt like there was a lot that I could personally say you help you learn to write this kind of thing better, and you did explicitly ask people to Comment on this piece. (And from your replies, it seems like you didn't take the critiques you got before too badly ) With the story as it is, it reads as something that's a few steps better than an internet summary, just telling us the events that happened, in order, but with some speech thrown in. Honestly, I think this story needs to have explicit facts replaced by visual descriptions so badly that honestly, it would be far better if you removed every single explanation, and gave us no idea what was happening at all. Like if you described it from the perspective of a confused child looking at the events unfolding from a distance, each detail being vividly implanted in the child's mind with rich description. Like if you wrote it like the recollections of someone who got a really clear look at a U.F.O. , where they had absolutely no idea what it was doing, but they know exactly what it looked like.
I don't think that it would be a good idea to just write this part like this, but for real, I think that if you had written this with no explanation, but tons of vivid details of sights and sounds, so the reader had no idea what in the world happened, but whatever it was, they knew exactly what it looked like, it would have been better.

Show us. Don't just tell us. Just don't make the visual description too matter-of-fact (i.e.: The guy was this tall, and his hair was this color, and his moustache was exactly like this [ ] and so-on-and-so-on) detail listing.